Modern Man

I'm a modern man, digital and smoke-free
A man for the millennium.
A diversified, multi-cultural, post-modern deconstructionist
Politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect
I've been uplinked and downloaded
I've been inputted and outsourced
I know the upside of downsizing
I know the downside of upgrading
I'm a high-tech low-life
A cutting-edge, state-of-the-art, bi-coastal multi-tasker
And I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond
I'm new-wave, but I'm old-school
And my inner child is outward-bound
I'm a hot-wired, heat-seeking, warm-hearted cool customer
Voice-activated and bio-degradable.
I interface with my database
My database is in cyberspace
So I'm interactive, I'm hyperactive
And from time to time I'm radioactive.
Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve
Ridin' the wave, dodgin' the bullet, pushin' the envelope
I'm on point, on task, on message, and off drugs
I've got no need for coke and speed
I've got no urge to binge and purge
I'm in the moment, on the edge
Over the top, but under the radar
A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary
A street-wise smart bomb
A top-gun bottom-feeder
I wear power ties, I tell power lies
I take power naps, I run victory laps.
I'm a totally ongoing, big-foot
Slam-dunk rainmaker with a pro-active outreach
A raging workaholic, a working rageaholic
Out of rehab and in denial
I've got a personal trainer, a personal shopper
A personal assistant, and a personal agenda
You can't shut me up; you can't dumb me down
Cause I'm tireless, and I'm wireless
I'm an alpha-male on beta-blockers
I'm a non-believer, I'm an over-achiever
Laid-back and fashion-forward
Up-front, down-home
Low-rent, high-maintenance
I'm super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition
Fast-acting, oven-ready and built to last
A hands-on, footloose, knee-jerk head case
Prematurely post-traumatic
And I have a love child who sends me hate-mail
But I'm feeling, I'm caring, I'm healing, I'm sharing
A supportive, bonding, nurturing primary-care giver
My output is down, but my income is up
I take a short position on the long bond
And my revenue stream has its own cash flow
I read junk mail, I eat junk food
I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports
I'm gender-specific, capital-intensive
User-friendly and lactose-intolerant
I like rough sex; I like tough love
I use the f-word in my e-mail
And the software on my hard drive is hard-coreā€”no soft porn
I bought a microwave at a mini-mall
I bought a mini-van at a mega-store
I eat fast food in the slow lane
I'm toll-free, bite-size, ready-to-wear
And I come in all sizes.
A fully equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested
Clinically proven, scientifically formulated medical miracle
I've been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened
Pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated
Freeze-dried, double-wrapped and vacuum-packed
And I have unlimited broadband capacity
I'm a rude dude, but I'm the real deal
Lean and mean
Cocked, locked and ready to rock
Rough, tough and hard to bluff
I take it slow, I go with the flow
I ride with the tide
I've got glide in my stride
Drivin' and movin', sailin' and spinnin'
Jivin' and groovin', wailin' and winnin'
I don't snooze, so I don't lose
I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road
I party hearty, and lunchtime is crunch time
I'm hangin' in, there ain't no doubt
And I'm hangin' tough
Over and out